Halloween Jokes For Adults
Kids shouldn’t be the only ones having a good time this holiday season. Some of these Halloween jokes for adults have adult content and some are just a little too complicated for kid humor. I’ve added a few dirty Halloween jokes for 2019, but can’t get too x-rated since these dirty jokes are only one click away from the Halloween jokes for kids page.
These Halloween jokes for adults are a little too mature for little eyes and ears so adults only from this point on! Scroll to the bottom for the section with dirty Halloween jokes.
∗ Warning: There is mature language and content on this page.
Enjoy being all grown-up this season with our collection of Halloween jokes for adults only. (Scroll to the bottom for dirty Halloween jokes.)
2019 Halloween Jokes for Adults
Q: Why did the monster go inside the bar?
A: For the boos.
Q: What do you call an annoying pumpkin who does stupid stuff?
A: A jack-ass-o-lantern.
Q: What health insurance do Halloween creatures use?
Q: What’s a skeleton’s favorite board game?
A: Tibial Pursuit.
Q: What happened to the cannibal who showed up late to Halloween dinner?
A: They gave him the cold shoulder.
Q: Why do we carve pumpkins at Halloween?
A: Because they have less blood and aren’t as messy as animals.
Q: What is the witch’s favorite crime show?
A: America’s Most Haunted.
Q: What do you call it when a vampire has a serious problem in his home?
A: It’s a Grave problem.
Q: Why do skeletons make good comedians?
A: They are two humerus.
Do you love Halloween? Check out Halloween coloring books for adults.
Q: Why is the woman afraid of the vampire?
A: Because he is all bite and no bark.
Q: What’s the Cause of Death when the gigantic prize winning pumpkin crushed a man to death?
A: He was gourd to death.
Q: Why do cemeteries have walls and fences?
A: Because people are always dying to get in.
Q: What happens if you combine a vampire and a snowman?
A: You get frostbite.
Enjoying these jokes so far? Want something a little harder? Check out 32 Halloween Riddles for more complicated, mind-bending fun.
Adult Halloween Jokes
Q: Where should I go to learn about bones?
Q: What do skeletons call a raging fun party?
A: An osteoblast!
• I got so sick of trick-or-treaters on Halloween night that I finally turned off all the lights and pretended I wasn’t home.
→ Forget the ships! My lighthouse, my rules!
Q: Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
A: No, they like to eat the fingers separately.
Q: Do you know what killed the man who had a two ton pumpkin fall on him?
A: He was squashed.
• I’m not saying my son is ugly…
→ But on Halloween he went to tell the neighbors to turn down their TV and they gave him some candy.
Q: What is a vampire’s worst fear?
A: Tooth decay.
Q: What should you give a pumpkin who can’t quit smoking?
A: A pumpkin Patch.
Q: What happened to the man who got behind on payments to his exorcist?
A: He got repossessed.
Q: What’s the name of the Democratic skeleton from Brooklyn, New York who’s running for president?
A: Bony Sanders.
Q: I heard there is a skeleton in your closet?!
A: No, the body hasn’t decomposed yet.
Q: Why are pumpkins better than men?
A: Every year you get a fresh crop to choose from.
Q: What did the boy ghost ask his father?
A: Do humans really exist?
Q: Where do most ghouls and goblins live in 2019?
A: In North Scarolina and South Scarolina.
Q: Why did the headless horseman start his own business?
A: To get ahead in life.
Be sure to check out our Top 10 Halloween Decoration List for 2019 to see our favorite decorations this year!
More Halloween Jokes for Adults
• I stopped by grandmother’s house and I’m so impressed. She had all the Halloween decorations out. Their were cobwebs and bugs in the windows along with a skeleton on the couch.
→ She’s 89 and always does a great job, but there was no answer when I knocked. I guess I’ll stop by again in a few months…if I have time.
Q: Why did the team of witches lose the softball game?
A: Their bats kept flying away.
Q: What’s the safest way to pay for stuff when buying from creatures on the dark web?
A: Always use cryptocurrency.
• I visited a real graveyard yesterday…
→ I logged back into Myspace.
Q: What do you call six witches in a jacuzzi?
A: A self cleaning coven.
Q: Do you want to invest in my startup company to destroy all vampires?
A: I’m the main stakeholder.
Q: Why was the vampire in a bad mood?
A: Too much B negative.
Q: Do you know what grows when you plant a pumpkin spice latte and water it with margaritas.
A: A sorority house will grow there.
Q: What did the parent say to the baby ghost?
A: Don’t spook until your spoken too.
Q: What is a vampire’s favorite flavor of ice cream?
Q: What are two freshly married spiders called?
Q: Why did the ghost go to the bar?
A: To get sheet faced.
Q: What is it like to be friends with a vampire?
A: It’s a pain in the neck.
Q: Why hasn’t anyone ever seen ghost poop?
A: Because it’s invisible.
• You know it’s bad luck to be followed by a black cat… if you are a mouse.
• Demons are a ghouls best friend.
Q: Why can’t two ghosts make out?
A: They go right through each other.
Q: Where do most most werewolves live in 2019?
A: Howlywood California.
Dirty Halloween Jokes
Q: What’s the most popular dating app for skeletons in 2019?
A: The Bone Zone.
Q: Why don’t witches have babies?
A: Their husbands have crystal balls.
Q: Why don’t you ever have an unexpected pregnancy when dating a vampire.
A: Because they can’t come inside without asking permission.
Q: How do two skeletons have sex
A: By boning all night long.
Q: What did the vampire say to the teacher?
A: See you next period.
• 1900: Dracula survived by drinking the blood of virgins.
• 2019: Dracula dies of hunger.
Q: Why can’t the ghost have any children?
A: He has a Halloweenie.
Q: Why do the witches hate hanging out with the headless horseman?
A: He’s obsessed with getting head.
Q: What’s unique about sex with vampires?
A: They only come at night.
Q: Why do skeletons enjoy sex with dainty women?
A: They like to bone a petite.
Q: What do vampires use to make tea?
Q: What is a vampire’s favourite part of sex?
Q: Why are male ghosts attracted to female ghosts?
A: Because of their boo-bies.
Q: What do Dracula’s girlfriend and a professional boxer have in common?
A: They both go down for The Count
Q: Why do Halloween ghosts moan, tremble and shiver?
A: Because of what’s happening under that sheet.
Q: How do skeletons make babies?
A: They bone.
Q: What is Dracula’s pornstar name?
A: Vlad the Impaler
Q: How did the woman learn her boyfriend was a vampire?
A: He only came at night and would insist on giving oral the same time every month.
Q: What do Royalty and gourds have in common?
A: They both pump-kin.
• In the novel, Dracula has three wives and hairy palms.
• I guess undead bigamists have the same marriage issues as the rest of us.
Q: What does the devil have between his legs?
A: He has great balls of fire.
Q: If Dracula were a furry, what would his name be?
Be sure to check out our new Vampire jokes page which features over 100 jokes!