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Over 100 Vampire Jokes

 

Looking for vampire jokes you can really sink your teeth into? Don’t go batty searching all over the web, we have over 100 vampire jokes here plus another page of Dracula jokes too! So scroll down for the best list of vampire jokes anywhere on the web.

 

Vampire in a car with bats purple

Vampire Jokes

 

Q: How does a hacker vampire kill its victims?
A: With a kill-o-byte.

Q: Do you know why I broke up with my vampire girlfriend?
A: Because she sucked the life out of me.

Q: Where do vampires eat their lunch?
A: At the casketeria.

Q: How many vampires will it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, why would they need it.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: The vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: Why are vampire clans so loyal?
A: Because blood is thicker than water.

Q: Why did the vampire go to the blood bank?
A: He needed to make a withdrawal!

Q: What do you call a vampire who went to the beach?
A: Ash

Q: Why don’t vampires like mosquitos?
A: Too much competition.

Q: Why don’t mosquitoes bite vampires?
A: As a professional courtesy. 

Q: What did the child vampire say before going to bed?
A: “Turn on the dark mummy, I’m scared of the light.”

Q: Why did the vampire keep acting all batty?
A: It was in his blood.

Q: Why do vampires chew gum?
A: Because they have bat breath.

Q: What is a vampire’s favorite dessert?
A: You scream and I scream.

Q: What’s a vampires worst fear?
A: Tooth decay!

Q: What should you never yell at a vampire while arguing?
A: Bite me!

Q: Why are vampires bad artists?
A: Because they always want to draw blood.

• I sucked a vampire’s blood once?
• It was ironic.

Q: What do you call the viking who was bit by a vampire?
A: Norseferatu!

Q: What does a vampire avoid ordering at any restaurant?
A: A steak.

Q: What do you get if you cross a vampire with a MacBook?
A: Love at first byte.

Q: What’s a vampire’s least favorite song?
A: “Another One Bites The Dust.”

Q: Why did the vampire break up with his boyfriend?
A: Because she wasn’t his blood type.

Q: Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
A: He had to grin and bare it.

Q: What do you call a dumb vampire?
A: A silly clot!

Q: What did the polite vampire say?
A: Fang you very much!

Q: What dance do vampires from Spain love?
A: The Fang-dango.

Q: What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A: A blood orange.

Q: What is a vampire’s second favorite fruit?
A: A neck-tarine.

Q: What is a vampire’s favorite building in New York?
A: The Vampire State Building.

Q: Did you hear about the vampire who died alone?
A: He had loved in vein.

Q: What do you call a vampire stranded on the side of the road a mile away from the blood bank?
A: You call him a cab!

Q: How are vampires like wizards?
A: They’re neck-romancers.

Q: Why is a vampire a good party guest?
A: Because he eats necks to nothing!

Q: What do you call a vampire hunter that lies a lot?
A: Bluffy the Vampire Slayer.

Q: Why did the vampire drive on the 405 Freeway?
A: He heard it was a main artery.

Q: What did the vampire say after drinking blood from a bodybuilder?
A: Whew, that’s strong!

Q: What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A: A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.

 

Frostbite Vampire joke quote graphic

 

More Vampire Jokes

Q: Why did Dracula go to the dentist?
A: Fang Decay

Q: Why was the man afraid of the vampire?
A: It was all bite and no bark!

Q: What is a vampire’s favorite beer?
A: Bloodweiser.

Q: Did you hear about the vampire who thought he was a violinist?
A: His Bach was worse than his bite.

Q: What do you call a vampire with asthma?
A: Vlad the Inhaler

Q: What do vampires drink at happy hour?
A: B-Positive

Q: Why do vampires use cold medicine?
A: For their coughin.

Q: What do you call a foolish vampire?
A: A silly sucker.

Q: What’s a vampires least favorite city?
A: Philadelphia, because it’s always sunny.

Purple Vampire Bat smiling

Q: How does a female vampire flirt?
A: She bats her eyes!

Q: Why are vampires so  naive?
A: Because they are born suckers. 

Q: Heard about the vampire who was locked up in an asylum?
A: He went batty.

Q: How do vampires travel across the sea?
A: In blood vessels.

Q: What is a vampire’s favorite cocktail?
A: A Bloody Mary.

Q: How are vampires like false teeth?
A: They both come out at night.

Q: What cheese do vampire prefer?
A: Munster.

Q. Why should you never tell a vampire to get a life?
A. Because it might decide to take yours.

Q: Why should you never bet on a vampire race?
A: They always finish neck and neck.

Q: Would you buy the vampire’s antique mirror?
A: The ad says “I have no use for it, excellent condition; Never used.”

Q: Why don’t vampires have many friends?
A: Because they are such a pain in the neck.

Q: What do you call a vampire from non-fiction?
A: A real pain in the neck.

Q: What do you call a short vampire?
A: A pain in the knee!

Q: How can you tell when a vampire has visited your bakery?
A: The jelly has been sucked out of the jelly donuts!

Q: Do you know why the local vampire club is always recruiting?
A: I heard they are always looking for new blood.

Q: Why do vampires like to scare people?
A: Because they are bored to death!

 

Funny Vampire jokes vlad the inhaler quote

 

Jokes About Vampires

Q: Did you hear about the vampire who became a poet.
A: He went from bat to verse.

Q: How do you kill a gluten free vampire?
A: Use garlic bread.

Q: Why did the Vampire read the Wall Street Journal?
A: He heard it had the best circulation.

Q: What is a vampire’s favorite fast food restaurant?
A: Murder King!

Q: What is a vampire’s favorite fast food?
A: A person with very high blood pressure

Q: What fast food do vampires crave the most?
A: Joggers.

Q: What’s the best way to invite a vampire on a date?
A: By saying let’s go out for a bite.

Q: What do you call a duck with fangs?
A: Quackula.

Q: Did you hear about the vampire who wants to be an actor?
A: He just hasn’t found a role he can sink his teeth into.

Q: What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
A: Casketball.

Q: What do the Pips and a vampire have in common?
A: They’re both Glad-it’s Knight.

Q: What’s a vampire’s favorite type of soup?
A: Scream of tomato.

Q: How can you tell if a vampire is sick?
A: Because of his coffin.

Q: How can you tell that a vampire wants to play baseball?
A: He will turn into a bat.

Q: Where do vampires keep their valuables?
A: In the blood bank.

 

A Vampire joke

 

Q: What do you call a stone cold killer vampire with no regard for the law?
A: A fangsta!

Q: Where did the vampire get all his jokes from?
A: A crypt writer!

Q: How do ghosts say goodbye to vampires?
A: “So long, suckers!”

Q: How do you get a vampire to swipe right on Tinder?
A: Add your blood type on your profile.

Q: How do you friend a vampire on Facebook?
A: Send an invite along with blood type.

Q: What song do most vampires despise?
A: “You Are My Sunshine.”

Q: What did the vampire say her new apprentice?
A: It’s nice to have some fresh blood around here.

Q: Who is a vampire’s favorite superhero?
A: Batman.

Q: Why did the vampires go online?
A: To start a fang club!

Q: What’s the referee in a Transylvanian soccer game called?
A: A Vumpire!

Q: Why do vampires love the south?
A: Because of all the red necks.

Q: Why aren’t there any vampires in Africa?
A: Because they bless the rains down in Africa. (Vamps hate holy water.)

Q: Who has the most dangerous job in Transylvania?
A. The dentist serving all the vampires.

Q: Why are vampires so impulsive?
A: They don’t ever reflect on things.

Q: Why are vampires evil?
A: They can’t ever reflect on who they are.

Q: Why do vampire’s keep repeating the same mistakes?
A: They lack self-reflection.

Q: What’s a vampire’s favorite sport?
A: Batminton

Q: What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
A: Fangs-giving.

Q: Why did the vampire go to the dentist?
A: He had a fang-ache.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

Q: How does a vampire start a letter?
A: Tomb it may concern.

 

werewolf and vampire jokes

 

Q: Would you rather be attacked by a vampire or a were wolf?
A: I’d rather have the vampire attack the werewolf!

Q: Who is the best player on vampire soccer teams?
A: The ghoulscorer.

Q: What do you get when you cross a school teacher and a vampire?
A: Lots of blood tests.

Q: What did the ancient vampire say to the mirror?
A: “Is this thing on?”

Q: What do vegans and vampires have in common?
A: They both won’t eat steak.

Q: What do you get if you combine a vampire and a dog?
A: A blood hound!

Q: What is worse than a hungry vampire?
A: A thirsty vampire.

Q: Why should you avoid competing against a vampire?
A: Because they are always out for blood.

Q: What did the vampire say after reading all these jokes?
A: They suck!

 

 

• Be sure to check out Dracula Jokes for even more vampire jokes.

Looking for more Halloween jokes

89 Skeleton Jokes!

→ More than 50 Pumpkin Jokes.

→ Funny Ghost Jokes.

 

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