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Halloween Jokes For Adults

 

(Updated 09/28/2019)

Kids shouldn’t be the only ones having a good time this holiday season. Some of these Halloween jokes for adults have adult content and some are just a little too complicated for kid humor. I’ve added a few dirty Halloween jokes for 2019, but can’t get too x-rated since these dirty jokes are only one click away from the Halloween jokes for kids page.

These Halloween jokes for adults are a little too mature for little eyes and ears so adults only from this point on! Scroll to the bottom for the section with dirty Halloween jokes.

∗ Warning: There is mature language and content on this page. 

 

bananas halloween jokes for adults

 

Enjoy being all grown-up this season with our collection of Halloween jokes for adults only. (Scroll to the bottom for dirty Halloween jokes.)

 

2019 Halloween Jokes for Adults

Q: Why did the monster go inside the bar?
A: For the boos.

Q: What do you call an annoying pumpkin who does stupid stuff?
A: A jack-ass-o-lantern.

Q: What health insurance do Halloween creatures use?
A: Medi-scare.

Q: What’s a skeleton’s favorite board game?
A: Tibial Pursuit.

Q: What happened to the cannibal who showed up late to Halloween dinner?
A: They gave him the cold shoulder.

Q: Why do we carve pumpkins at Halloween?
A: Because they have less blood and aren’t as messy as animals.

Q: What is the witch’s favorite crime show?
A: America’s Most Haunted.

Q: What do you call it when a vampire has a serious problem in his home?
A: It’s a Grave problem.

Q: Why do skeletons make good comedians?
A: They are two humerus.

Do you love Halloween? Check out Halloween coloring books for adults.

 

Q: Why is the woman afraid of the vampire?
A: Because he is all bite and no bark.

Q: What’s the Cause of Death when the gigantic prize winning pumpkin crushed a man to death?
A: He was gourd to death. 

Q: Why do cemeteries have walls and fences?
A: Because people are always dying to get in.

Q: What happens if you combine a vampire and a snowman?
A: You get frostbite.

 

Enjoying these jokes so far? Want something a little harder? Check out 32 Halloween Riddles for more complicated, mind-bending fun.

 

Adult Halloween Jokes

Q: Where should I go to learn about bones?
A: Osteoclass

Q: What do skeletons call a raging fun party?
A: An osteoblast! 

• I got so sick of trick-or-treaters on Halloween night that I finally turned off all the lights and pretended I wasn’t home.
→ 
Forget the ships! My lighthouse, my rules!

Q: Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
A: No, they like to eat the fingers separately. 

Q: Do you know what killed the man who had a two ton pumpkin fall on him?
A: He was squashed.
 

• I’m not saying my son is ugly…
→ 
But on Halloween he went to tell the neighbors to turn down their TV and they gave him some candy.

Q: What is a vampire’s worst fear?
A: Tooth decay. 

Q: What should you give a pumpkin who can’t quit smoking?
A: A pumpkin Patch.

Q: What happened to the man who got behind on payments to his exorcist?
A: He got repossessed.

Q: What’s the name of the Democratic skeleton from Brooklyn, New York who’s running for president?
A: Bony Sanders.

Q: I heard there is a skeleton in your closet?!
A: No, the body hasn’t decomposed yet.

Q: Why are pumpkins better than men?
A: Every year you get a fresh crop to choose from.

Q: What did the boy ghost ask his father?
A: Do humans really exist?

Q: Where do most ghouls and goblins live in 2019?
A: In North Scarolina and South Scarolina.

Q: Why did the headless horseman start his own business?
A: To get ahead in life.

 

Be sure to check out our Top 10 Halloween Decoration List for 2019 to see our favorite decorations this year!

 

Arms under car halloween joke

 

More Halloween Jokes for Adults

 

• I stopped by grandmother’s house and I’m so impressed. She had all the Halloween decorations out. Their were cobwebs and bugs in the windows along with a skeleton on the couch.
→ 
She’s 89 and always does a great job, but there was no answer when I knocked. I guess I’ll stop by again in a few months…if I have time. 

 

Q: Why did the team of witches lose the softball game?
A: Their bats kept flying away.

Q: What’s the safest way to pay for stuff when buying from creatures on the dark web?
A: Always use cryptocurrency. 

• I visited a real graveyard yesterday…
→ I logged back into Myspace.

Q: What do you call six witches in a jacuzzi?
A: A self cleaning coven.

Q: Do you want to invest in my startup company to destroy all vampires?
A: I’m the main stakeholder.

Q: Why was the vampire in a bad mood?
A: Too much B negative.

Q: Do you know what grows when you plant a pumpkin spice latte and water it with margaritas.
A: A sorority house will grow there. 

Q: What did the parent say to the baby ghost?
A: Don’t spook until your spoken too.

Q: What is a vampire’s favorite flavor of ice cream?
A: Veinilla.

Q: What are two freshly married spiders called?
A: Newly-webbed.

Q: Why did the ghost go to the bar?
A: To get sheet faced.

Q: What is it like to be friends with a vampire?
A: It’s a pain in the neck.

Q: Why hasn’t anyone ever seen ghost poop?
A: Because it’s invisible. 

• You know it’s bad luck to be followed by a black cat… if you are a mouse.

• Demons are a ghouls best friend.

Q: Why can’t two ghosts make out?
A: They go right through each other.

Q: Where do most most werewolves live in 2019?
A: Howlywood California.

 

Dirty Halloween Jokes

Q: What’s the most popular dating app for skeletons in 2019?
A: The Bone Zone.

Q: Why don’t witches have babies?
A: Their husbands have crystal balls.

Q: Why don’t you ever have an unexpected  pregnancy when dating a vampire.
A: Because they can’t come inside without asking permission.

Q: How do two skeletons have sex
A: By boning all night long.

Q: What did the vampire say to the teacher?
A: See you next period.

• 1900: Dracula survived by drinking the blood of virgins.
• 2019: Dracula dies of hunger.

Q: Why can’t the ghost have any children?
A: He has a Halloweenie.

Q: Why do the witches hate hanging out with the headless horseman?
A: He’s obsessed with getting head.

Q: What’s unique about sex with vampires?
A: They only come at night.

Q: Why do skeletons enjoy sex with dainty women?
A: They like to bone a petite.

Q: What do vampires use to make tea?
A: tampons.

Q: What is a vampire’s favourite part of sex?
A: Edraculating

Q: Why are male ghosts attracted to female ghosts?
A: Because of their boo-bies.

Q: What do Dracula’s girlfriend and a professional boxer have in common?
A: They both go down for The Count

Q: Why do Halloween ghosts moan, tremble and shiver?
A: Because of what’s happening under that sheet.

Q: How do skeletons make babies?
A: They bone.

Q: What is Dracula’s pornstar name?
A: Vlad the Impaler

Q: How did the woman learn her boyfriend was a vampire?
A: He only came at night and would insist on giving oral the same time every month.

Q: What do Royalty and gourds have in common?
A: They both pump-kin.

• In the novel, Dracula has three wives and hairy palms.
• I guess undead bigamists have the same marriage issues as the rest of us.

Q: What does the devil have between his legs?
A: He has great balls of fire.

Q: If Dracula were a furry, what would his name be?
A: Nos-fur-atu.

 

Did you enjoy our collection of Halloween jokes for adults? Be sure to check out our other Funny Halloween Jokes. We also have Ghost Jokes, Pumpkin Jokes and Skeleton Jokes for Halloween humor fans.

Be sure to check out our new Vampire jokes page which features over 100 jokes!  

 

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